Friday, March 10, 2006

Cracking good time

I've been seeing another man recently. Nothing sordid, you understand (although it does involve me stripping down to my bra, something that now adds an extra 10-15 mins to my morning ritual as I desperately try to source clean lingerie from my poorly-stocked underwear draw (those new pants were a long time ago)). This new man in my life is giving my life a new lease thanks to his amazing skills in the back and neck cracking department. Yes, that's right, he's an Osteopath, and he's a fucking miracle worker.

Years! Years now I've had back and neck pain, cracking my way through life with hypermobility and joints that pop in and out at will. I finally went to see an Osteo after stupidly doing the full Locust in my yoga class (see Nanette doing it here, second pic down on the right). Thing is, being hypermobile (there's no such thing as double jointed, but it's basically what it means) makes you great at yoga, but just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. It certainly helps with the back pain, but I know full well I shouldn't be doing things that involve my neck. That's what you get for taking your ego to your yoga class.

Anyway, I've been seeing my lovely Osteo, Michael, and suddenly I discover that I don't have to live my life with constant neck pain anymore! Turns out, I stand all wrong, hold my head all wrong - haven't read the manual for correct body usage. Fantastic, think I, I'll be fixed up in no time once I've learnt how to stand all over again. Oh the joy! The rapture!

But there's a catch.

In order to correct my posture I need to:

1. Pull my head and neck back so that it's in line with my spine. Head should be tilted down.

I pointed out that this gives me a double chin, makes me look like a chinless wonder, and obliges me to look down all the time. Michael scoffed at my vanity and told me to open my eyes wider to help with the looking down thing.

2. Tilt my pelvis upwards.

This makes me look like I'm perpetually trying to avoid having someone pinch my bottom.

3. Bend my knees.

My legs over-bend and lock too much. Now I have to bend my knees, which has the benefit of ridding me of bow-legs. Of course, now I look knock-kneed instead.

4. Cross my eyes and bloat my stomach out into a pot-belly.

I made that last one up, but I may as well - in for a penny in for a pound. After all, I'm now a chinless wonder with bug eyes and knock knees.

Question is, is it worth suffering the misery of constant neck pain if I have to live out my life actively making myself look worse? Truly, there is no god. Although, if there were, this is just the kind of "test of your faith" shit he'd pull.


Blogger vegmonkey said...

Lol, i feel for you! I've been having back problems lately, although i do play quite a lot of snooker and think it might be related! I know that i can't put a price on health, but how much is the osteopath costing you and how often are you going if you don't mind me asking!

12:17 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home