Evil Woman Who Lives In The Basement: Part II

Ten things about the Evil Woman Who Lives In The Basement:

1. The Evil Woman invited us down for herbal tea and health cakes when we moved in.
2. This turned out to be a ruse to trap us in her flat so she could moan about every slight noise we make in an apologetic and ingratiating voice. Be in no doubt, she is one of life’s victims and never forget it.
3. Evil Woman gives Reiki massages for a living, but has grown allergic to massage oils.
4. Evil Woman has insomnia and likes to sleep in till 8 every morning (good advert for the power of alternative therapy, no?). Our every slight movement wakes her up and although she only rents, she feels justified in telling us to get our floorboards soundproofed – going so far as to ask her friend to give us a quote for the work.
5. Evil Woman didn’t stroke my cat on meeting him for the first time – she Reikied him.
6. Evil Woman doesn’t have a television set and has that same superior attitude as every set-less householder.
7. What Evil Woman doesn’t appreciate (along with every other set-less householder) is that not having a TV does not make you more interesting or better-informed than TV watchers. Ladies and Gentlemen in Jane Austen’s day – say – suffered crippling and near-constant ennui (when “taking a turn” about the room was the highlight of your evening) and would have loved nothing better than to watch a double bill of Crime Scene Investigation.
8. Bereft of television, Evil Woman talks – honestly – NON-STOP all day (she must make a bomb doing Reiki because she works very little and is at home pretty much all the time). She speaks without pause or laughter. Although we can’t hear what she says, every word she utters is delivered with that same, pitiful, whining tone. Judging by experiences she’s telling her conversation partner (usually on the phone) how much better everything is in Poland.
9. We recently flooded Evil Woman’s flat by accident. She whipped herself up into a shaking, and shuddering hysteria and made it sound so bad that we pulled up our floor to check for permanent damage. Turned out it was just a couple of bucketfuls of water that looked worse than it was and dried out in no time. We now have bare floorboards. I went down to her flat to check the damage and there was none at all so we pulled our floor up for nothing. Once down there, she took the opportunity to shut me in and go through all the minute sounds she can hear from our flat and what times of the day we especially annoy her. She also let me know that we “are never in bed before twelve”.
10. Evil Woman is basically a decent human being, which makes me hate her even more. Milway calls her the Witchy Woman, which is about as rude as he gets about anyone.

Still haven't fathomed out what exactly was going on with those shagging window makers. I'm sure I heard her down there, which brings up the awful possibility of a threesome...